Fear and trepidation

So I guess I need an agent.

The book I'm writing falls into the category of Christian fiction. I wouldn't say it's something that I actively sought. Instead, I feel like it is something God gave me to do.

I've dilly-dallied around with it for several years now, fluctuating between hard-core commitment and belief that God would equip me to complete the task and long periods of self-doubt and fear. After attending a virtual writing conference, I decided to post the book, chapter by chapter, just to test the waters so to speak, maybe get some feedback from friends who were willing to read it and strangers who stumbled across it. I thought maybe I would feel some peace with it, that simply posting it would be enough.

But I don't feel any peace at all.

Don't get me wrong. It has been incredibly encouraging to have friends tell me that they are enjoying the book, that they look forward to seeing what happens next, but I have the sense of the unfinished, as if I haven't really done what I need to do.


Would you pray for me? I'm not interested in becoming famous or making a lot of money. I just want to do what I feel like I am being called to do and quite frankly, I am in uncharted waters. I covet your prayers for courage and guidance. And an agent. Because apparently I need one.

Chapter 8

As I make my way into the writing world, I would like to build an email list of those who are enjoying reading about Katie and her struggle to make her way into the world as a single woman. If you would be interested in being on my list, please send me an email at donnie.cathy.wall@gmail.com. Thanks so much, and I hope you enjoy Chapters 8.

Chapter Eight

        Shortly after Leigha pulled out of the drive, Katie’s phone rang. She glanced at the screen and saw Mark’s name. For a split second she thought about ignoring it, unsure of how to act now that their relationship had changed in such a drastic way, but she chided herself for acting like a child and answered the call.

        “Hey, doll,” he said. “How’s the headache?”

        “Gone, thanks,” Katie replied. “What are you up to today?”

        “Not much. Slept late. Washed the car. Thinking about driving up to Port City for some seafood. What do you think?”

        “Sounds great, but I can’t tonight,” Katie lied. “We’re having dinner at my parents tomorrow, and I have cooking to do. Do you want to come? Evan’s in from school.”

        “Sorry, babe,” he said. “I’m just not into the whole family dinner thing. Besides, you need time to bond with the group.”

        “If we haven’t “bonded” by now I don’t know that we ever will,” Katie said with just a tinge of sarcasm. “That’s fine though. Just thought I’d ask.”

        “OK. Well, thanks anyway,” Mark said. “I’m going to go. There’s a lobster at the Fish Market with my name on it and a new band playing next door. Call me if you change your mind within the next hour or so.”

        Katie hung up and flopped onto the loveseat in the family room, completely and utterly frustrated. Why did she lie? She loved the Fish Market! And why did Mark always find an excuse not to come to family dinners? Why was everything about their relationship so confusing?

        Katie got up from the couch and went into the kitchen to make the dessert for the next day’s dinner. It wouldn’t take that long. She could call Mark back and say she had changed her mind. Lucy was going to spend the afternoon with Evan and probably the evening, too. They might even go over to Wes and Leigha’s. It was likely that Matt and Kaylee would bring little Tess over to see her Uncle Evan, too, and Lucy rarely missed an opportunity to play with her beloved cousin’s little girl.

Katie picked up her phone. There was really no reason not to go. Except…what if Mark expected a replay of Thursday night. Would he expect sex all the time? And so what if he did. She was an adult. She had the right to some fun if that’s what she wanted. But is that really what you want, she asked herself? She laid the phone back on the counter and went back to her pies.

Twenty minutes later, Katie had popped the pecan pies in the oven, wiped down the kitchen counter and gone to the bathroom to clean up. After washing her hands, she looked critically at her reflection. Her smooth, dark hair curved forward slightly at her jaw line framing her small face. Leaning in closer, Katie examined the tiny wrinkles at the corners of her wide-set grey eyes. She had no illusions about her looks. While she was pretty in a small town sort of way, she was not beautiful. Her younger sister, Elsie, was the family beauty, petite like their mother with long, thick, honey-colored hair that fell in gentle waves that curled at the ends and large blue eyes framed by thick dark lashes.

Katie didn’t favor her tall, slender older sister either. Unlike Leigha, she was of medium height and medium build and the older she got, the harder it was to keep from picking up unwanted pounds. She really couldn’t understand why Mark chose to go out with her when younger, more beautiful women constantly made it obvious that they were at his disposal.

Maybe she was making a mistake by refusing his invitation. If he was going out after dinner, there would no doubt be other company available if she didn’t go, too.  Katie looked down at her phone. “I think I’ll call Lucy and check her plans,” she thought, dialing the number.

“Hey, Mom,” Lucy answered. “What’s up?”

“Are you and Evan having a good time?” Katie asked.

“Yeaahhh,” Lucy said. “Is something wrong?”

“No,” Katie replied, “just checking in. What are you doing later?”

“Eating at Aunt Leigha’s. Matt’s bringing Tess and Elsie may come over, too. Want to come?”

“Mmmmm, no. Mark called and asked me out to dinner, and I thought I would go if you aren’t going to be home,” Katie said hesitantly.

Katie could hear Evan talking in the background. “Ev says hi,” Lucy giggled.

“What’s so funny about that? What else?” Katie asked, groaning.

“You won’t like it,” Lucy laughed.

“What?” Katie pressed.

“Ev wants to know if Dr. Douche is coming to dinner tomorrow,” Lucy said gasping for air between peals of laughter.

“Don’t call him that, Lucy. It’s just vulgar,” Katie said, stung by her daughter’s laughter.

“I’m sorry, Mom. I told you that you wouldn’t like it but it’s Ev, not me. You know what a clown he is,” Lucy said, trying to suppress the last of her giggles. “Have fun and I’ll see you in the morning.”

Katie disconnected and dialed Mark’s number. What did she care what her nephew had to say? He was just a kid, she thought, as the phone rang. Two more rings and Mark picked up the phone.

“Hey,” Mark said. “Change your mind?”

“Yeah,” Katie smiled, “as a matter of fact I did. Is your offer still good?”

“You bet,” Mark said. “How long until you are ready?”

Katie glanced at the clock. The pies still had about 30 minutes left to bake. That would give her time to change and freshen up her makeup if she hurried. “Is 45 minutes too much,” Katie asked hesitantly.

“I think I can kill that much time if it means I’ll have the pleasure of your company,” Mark said. “Pick you up then.”

Katie hung up and rushed nervously to her closet, her heart beating rapidly. What to wear? Most of her wardrobe ran to the conservative, appropriate for the classroom but too boring for a night of dancing. She experienced a moment of panic. What had she been thinking? She was not a spontaneous person by nature. She did much better with a plan. Now what?

She pawed through her closet looking for something to wear. Near the back she found a simple red dress that she had bought from a clearance rack the previous fall. Her plan had been to wear it to school under a jacket, but when she got home, she found it was shorter than it had appeared on the hanger. She had shoved it in the back of the closet, planning to donate it to the next school group that had a tag sale fundraiser, but now she pulled it out and held it in front of her. Did she dare?

Katie slipped the dress over her head. The silky fabric felt cool against her flushed skin. She had to admit that the color was flattering. She hesitated for a moment and then spun around to see the view from the back, the slightly full skirt flaring a little as she moved.  Scooped deeply in the back, the dress revealed more of her lightly tanned skin than she was used to showing, but it was a youthful, appealing look. She rummaged in her jewelry box, found a pair of rhinestone hoops and a matching bangle, grabbed a pair of strappy sandals from the closet floor and rushed to the bathroom, fearful that a moment’s hesitation would rob her of her nerve.

Katie quickly freshened her makeup, adding a hint of eye shadow under her lower lashes to create a smoky effect, a touch more eyeliner and mascara than usual and a deeper shade of lipstick. It was too late to do anything different with her hair, but combined with the more dramatic makeup and her flirty, red dress, she looked like a different person. She felt sexy for the first time in years. My students would never believe this, Katie thought, and almost as quickly her panic renewed itself. What if she ran into one of her students dressed like this? What would they think?

She pushed the thought out of her mind as the timer in the kitchen indicated that tomorrow’s dessert was finished. Quickly she pulled the pies from the oven and sat them on a cooling rack on the counter. The doorbell rang as she closed the oven door. She tossed the oven mitt onto the counter, smoothed her dress and walked to the front door. This was it. The big reveal. She hesitated for just a moment and then opened the door to find Kade standing on the front porch. She exhaled, exasperated that she had worked up her nerve for nothing.

Kade eyed Katie appreciatively, letting out a low whistle. “Helloooo, Duchess,” he said. “You didn’t have to get all dressed up for little old me.”

Katie’s cheeks flushed at his compliment. “Funny,” she said. “But it’s not for you. I’m going out to dinner with Mark and he’s going to be here any minute.”

“Well don’t let me keep you,” Kade said. “I just came over to borrow Lucy for a bit. I need some help loading a couple of horses.”

“Lucy’s riding with Evan, but they are headed to Wes and Leigha’s for supper, so you might try there,” Katie said, trying not to watch the road.

“When did Evan come in?” Kade asked.

“Last night. His classes are cancelled for Monday so he came home. Dinner tomorrow if you wanna come,” she added as an afterthought.

“Sounds like a plan. I’ll clear out of your way,” Kade said, walking down the steps and climbing into his truck. “Behave yourself young lady.”

“Yes, dad,” Katie called smugly, and waved as he backed out of the driveway.

She closed the door and rushed back to her bedroom to take a final look at herself in the mirror.  She ran a brush through her hair and grabbed a small bag for her keys, phone and lipstick. Thankfully, it was still warm for October so she could probably make it through the evening without a wrap. “Shopping,” she thought. “I definitely need to kidnap Elsie and go shopping.”

As Katie walked back into the living room, the doorbell rang again and this time it was Mark. His eyes registered surprise and then appreciation as he walked in, took her hand and spun her slowly, devouring every detail of her new look.

“Do I look all right,” Katie asked nervously.

“Better than all right,” he said warmly. “Let’s go have some fun.”

As I make my way into the writing world, I would like to build an email list of those who are enjoying reading about Katie and her struggle to make her way into the world as a single woman. If you would be interested in being on my list, please send me an email at donnie.cathy.wall@gmail.com. Thanks so much, and I hope you enjoy Chapters 6-7.

Chapter 6

        When Katie got up the next morning, she found a note from Lucy on the kitchen counter that said she had gone for a run. She was so proud of Lucy’s self-discipline. Meet or no meet, her daughter was going to run at least two miles a day, sometimes more. Glancing at the clock, she figured that Lucy would be back within thirty minutes or so, and afraid that she would reissue her invitation for lunch with Miss Georgia when she got back, Katie quickly showered. “Coward,” she thought to herself as she hopped in David’s old truck and headed to Farm Supply for feed.

        Lucy’s relationship with Miss Georgia was something of a mystery to Katie. All the teen girls at the church had a Senior Sister, but Lucy seemed more attached to hers than Katie could have ever been as a high school girl. The program was the brainchild of the new pastor who wanted to build “intergenerational relationships within the church body” according to the letter she had received when the program started. Katie had met the new minister only twice, once last Christmas and the second time on Mother’s Day when she had attended a special service with her daughter, her mother and her sisters. He was younger than the minister who had been there when she and David attended regularly, but he seemed to have great enthusiasm for his job and her entire family had nothing but praise for him.

        Katie felt another twinge of guilt as she thought about the young pastor and the infrequency of her church attendance. “I’m sure they all think I’m the world’s worst mother,” she thought. “I don’t know where they get off. Just because I don’t go to church every Sunday…”

Any Sunday the voice in her head said sadly.

        As she drove toward town, Katie remembered going to church with David and Lucy. Even though his prior experience with church had been largely social, David seemed to genuinely enjoy getting involved once they moved to Lincoln. He had made friends and participated in the men’s ministry, giving generously of both his time and talents. He had developed an especially close relationship with Dr. Schultz, the minister who had pastored the church for most of their married life. In many ways, David seemed more at home than she was even though she had attended Shiloh Baptist Church all of her life. They hadn’t talked about it much. She had accepted that choice just like she had accepted all of David’s choices and followed his lead.

        When Katie pulled into the parking lot, she saw Sadie filling her trunk with tulip bulbs and sacks of bone meal. Sadie’s coppery hair was as shiny as new penny in the warm autumn sun, making it impossible not to recognize her.  Katie hopped out of the truck and made her way across the asphalt lot.

        “Where in the world are you planning to plant all those?” Katie asked with a lopsided grin. “I wasn’t aware you had that much yard.”

        “Hey! Feeling better?” Sadie asked, continuing to load her purchases.

        “Yeah, much. Thanks for taking care of my lesson plans yesterday,” she replied.

        “No problem. And I don’t have that much yard. As a matter of fact the tiny square in front of my apartment is maxed. These are for the school. The kids in Learn and Serve are doing a little beautification project this afternoon,” Sadie said, pausing to wipe the sweat from her freckled nose on the sleeve of her shirt. “I wish I had enough yard for all these though. If you aren’t busy you ought to come by. I have an extra trowel.”

        “Uhhhh, yeah, well as much as I wish I could, I have to call Leigha and plan for one of my mom’s famous family dinners. Evan’s home from school and that means a huge dinner tomorrow. What are you doing tomorrow? Mom’s been asking if you are ever coming back,” Katie asked.

        “Nothing, but I hate to intrude. All my weekends are pretty much free at this point,” Sadie said wryly.

        “So things are definitely over between you and Jared?” Katie asked.

        “Oh, yeah. Over, done, finished. You know I’ve had my doubts for a while, but we pretty much sealed the deal a couple of weekends ago. I don’t want the city, and he doesn’t want the country. Case closed,” she said.

        “Why didn’t you say something, kid?” Katie asked sympathetically.

        “What’s to say?” Sadie said, shrugging her shoulders. “Besides, I’m not mourning the loss. Our time together was enjoyable. We just have incompatible life plans. I’m good by myself for now. I didn’t see any reason to bother you with it.”

        “I wish I had half your confidence,” Katie said wistfully. “I just can’t seem to figure out what I want in spite of all this …experience.”

        “You’ll figure it out, Katie,” Sadie said, her eyes full of compassion for her friend. “You and David were together a long time. It’s…”

        “…natural, I know,” Katie finished the sentence. She shook her head and waved off the conversation. “What about Sunday then? Can I count you in?”

        “I accept,” Sadie said, a smile erasing the look of concern. “I look forward to seeing Evan. He can tell me if anything he learned in my class has come in useful.”

        “Awesome. We’ll eat around one. Have to give everyone time to get home from church, you know.” A hint of resentment was audible in her voice in spite of her best efforts to conceal it.

        Sadie raised one eyebrow. “Oooooookay…”

        “Sorry. I’m just irritable this morning. Leftovers from the meds, I guess,” Katie said quickly, trying to cover her embarrassment at having betrayed her emotions. “I need to go pick up some feed and get home. I’ll see you tomorrow. You remember where my parents live, right?”

        “Sure thing. See you there,” Sadie replied and returned to loading her trunk.

Chapter Seven

        Once Katie put the truck back in the barn and unloaded the feed, she pulled out her cell phone to call Leigha . The number rang through just as her sister pulled her Jeep into the drive. She walked around to the front of the house and sat down on the steps.

        Leigha took off the cap she habitually wore when she drove with the top off and flung it into the passenger side seat, running her fingers through her  shoulder-length wheat-colored curls with the other hand. “You were supposed to call,” she called from the front seat, uncurling a tall, slender frame nearly identical to Lucy’s from behind the steering wheel and climbing out.

        “I just did,” Katie grinned. “Had to go pick up some feed for the troops. Lucy and Ev still going riding later?”

        “Far as I know. I’m starving. You have anything to eat in there?” Leigha said, striding up the stairs.

        The two sisters walked through the living room and into the kitchen. “Where is the kid? Evan’s not even out of bed yet,” Leigha said.

        “Senior Sister thing,” Katie replied, looking in the refrigerator. She hoped her emotions were a little less evident than they had been earlier.

        “Ahhh, the indomitable Miss Georgia. Lucy really has taken a liking to her, huh?”

        “Yeah,” Katie said noncommittally. “What are you hungry for?”

        “Junk food,” Leigha smiled. “What else?”

        Ana laughed and pulled a caramel apple out of the fridge.

        “So what’s with the mood anyway?” Leigha asked, rummaging around for a paring knife to slice up the apple.

        Katie sighed. There was no use trying to pretend around her sister.

        “Dish,” Leigha said, handing her sister the knife and dropping into a kitchen chair. “What’s eating you?”

She cut a slice of the candied apple for Leigha, handed it across the table, and then cut one for herself.

“I’ve been having trouble sleeping,” Katie said. “I have these weird dreams and wake up or just can’t seem to turn my brain off.”

Leigha nodded as she munched on her apple.

“Do you remember the first time we took Dad’s boat and went swimming off Andrew’s Island?” Katie continued sitting down across from her sister.

“Sure. What were we like twelve and fourteen? Elsie was still too little to go with us. Mom was absolutely hysterical that he was letting us take the boat by ourselves. I don’t think she spoke to him for days after that, remember?” Leigha laughed.

“Yeah,” Katie smiled, “she didn’t even cook supper that night. Dad blew it off and grilled hot dogs or something. Did you ever notice that her ultimate revenge was a refusal to cook?”

“I’d forgotten, but yeah, I think you’re right. Maybe that’s why I swore off hot dogs until Matty came along. Too many negative associations,” Leigha said with mischievous grin. “So what’s with the trip down memory lane? You stalling me, here?”

Katie reached for the apple, cut another slice and handed it to her sister.

“Remember how scary it was that first time, walking out into the river. It was unfamiliar territory. We didn’t know where the holes were or where the bottom dropped out and we had nobody to swim to the rescue if we ventured out into the current or got in over our heads. I remember inching my way out, with one foot in front feeling for a dip.”

Leigha laughed again. “How can I forget? I tried to show off and stepped off a ledge and almost drowned myself.”

“Well, that’s what life feels like for me right now,” Katie said. “It’s like I’m inching along an hour at a time, just waiting to fall into a hole and drown myself. Am I ever going to feel normal again?”

“You’re such a cheery little soul,” Leigha remarked drolly.

“I’m not kidding, Lei, it’s like I’ve been dumped unceremoniously in unfamiliar territory, and I haven’t a clue what’s coming next.”

“C’mon, it’s not all that bad. It’s life. It goes with the territory. Hand me that apple.”

“It’s not just the regular life things,” Katie replied handing her the rest of the apple and the knife. “It’s everything. It’s losing David, it’s my relationship with Mark, it’s the job and watching Lucy grow up and away from me and the list seems like it goes on forever. I know you hate it when I whine, but I can’t seem to get my feet under me this time. I just want to feel like I have a grip on things again...”

“I know,” Leigha said, wiping her hands on a nearby dishtowel and rising from her seat. She walked around the table and hugged her younger sister. “I know that’s what you want. You’ve always been such a control freak. But I don’t think there’s an easy answer for this one. You’re still in the middle of some big changes. You may just have to bounce for a while.”

“But what if I don’t bounce? What if I break instead?” Katie asked.

“You won’t,” Leigha reassured her. “It’s not in your programming.”

“I wish I could be so sure,” Katie said quietly.

“You don’t have to be. I’m sure enough for us both. Now forget about all this for a while and to make you feel better we can concentrate on something you can control – dinner tomorrow. I’m not in the mood for hot dogs,” Leigha said with a smile.

Katie: Chapters 3-5

As I make my way into the writing world, I would like to build an email list of those who are enjoying reading about Katie and her struggle to make her way into the world as a single woman. If you would be interested in being on my list, please send me an email at donnie.cathy.wall@gmail.com. Thanks so much, and I hope you enjoy Chapters 3-5.

Chapter 3

        For Katie, her relationship with Mark had not been a conscious choice. It had simply happened. He was younger than she was by six years, an outsider to their small community who had moved to Lincoln the year before to fill a vacancy in the business department at the high school where she taught. Perhaps it had been this more than anything that had attracted her to him. Quite simply, he was different. Mark loved adventure. He loved to socialize. He knew every restaurant and bar within a one hundred mile radius and was never happier than when he was with a group of people, laughing, telling jokes and stories. He represented the polar opposite of the quiet life she had shared with David and so stirred no sense of loss or sadness.

        And he was handsome, tall, lean and muscular with dark hair and dark eyes. Katie saw how other women looked at him, and she was aware of his reputation. She had no illusions about being his one true love any more than he was hers, but she continued to see him anyway – a fact that bewildered her parents and her sisters who knew her for the romantic that she was.  Her mother disapproved of Mark’s reputation as ‘a good time Charlie,’ but she did her best to keep her opinion quiet as she disliked conflict in the family even more than Katie’s choice of a male companion.

        Oddly enough, Lucy was noncommittal on the subject of her mother’s relationship. “Whatever you want, Mom,” she said, changing the subject. Mark and Lucy were cordial on the rare occasions that they spent time together, but it was obvious that Mark’s focus was his relationship with Katie. He had no desire to be a father figure and Lucy seemed just fine with that.  She had her grandfather and Uncle Wes, her sister’s husband, and Kade who had done his best to help fill the gaps that David’s death had left.  A closer relationship with Mark interested Lucy very little, and she had even less to say regarding his place in Katie’s life.

        Mark had already grabbed a booth when Katie walked into Frankie’s, a small pizza place owned by a local family.  She stopped at the counter to talk to a former student before joining her companion. He looked like something out of an ad in a fashion magazine in a black sweater and faded jeans with his dark silky hair fashionably disheveled. As usual, his careless good looks made her incredibly conscious of her age and imperfections. She tossed her bag on to the seat and slid into the booth across the table from him.

        “I was beginning to wonder if I was being stood up,” he said with a smile.

        “Sorry I’m late,” Katie replied. “Kade stopped by after school and then the chores took a little longer than I expected.”

        “Ahhh, your knight in a rusty pickup. What did Galahad want this evening?” Mark said.

        The two men had made no secret of their animosity for one another. Mark felt intellectually superior to Kade, who had never pursued a college education, content to work on the family farm after he returned from a tour of duty in the Marine Corps. Kade resented the condescension and to make bad matters worse, seemed to know plenty about the less attractive aspects of  Mark’s reputation. He made no secret of the fact that he thought Katie could do much better. On the rare occasions that they wound up near one another, they bristled like two dogs with their eye on the same bone.

        “Let it rest, Mark,” Katie said, unwilling to engage in yet another discussion on her best friend’s shortcomings. “I don’t know what he wanted. He just stopped by the house, and we ended up sitting on the porch talking. Don’t make a big deal out of it.”

        “No big deal,” Mark replied, taking a cue from her voice. He reached across to take her hand and look into her eyes.  A mischievous smile tugged as his full mouth as he asked, “So what do you think? The usual or are you feeling adventurous?” His suggestive tone caught Katie off guard and made her blush to the roots of her hair.

        “Good grief, Mark, our students make up half the wait staff. Let’s just order a pizza,” she said withdrawing her hand and trying to regain her composure. She was completely unprepared for the sudden shift in Mark’s mood.

        Mark laughed and leaned back in the booth. “Sure, sure,” he said, perusing the menu.

“You know,” he said after a short, tense silence, “I wonder sometimes what keeps us together. We obviously have different agendas.” Mark motioned at the waitress. “Hey, Stacie, can you get Ms. Glenn and me a large special and a pitcher of soda?”

        “Sure thing, Mr. Wainwright,” Stacie said. Her flushed cheeks and the eagerness in her voice made it obvious that the teenager had a crush on her handsome teacher, but then so did half the girls at Lincoln High. “I’ll put in your order and bring your drinks.”

        Katie waited until Stacie had moved out of earshot before she spoke. “What exactly is that supposed to mean, ‘different agendas’? I wasn’t aware that I had an agenda.”

        Mark’s usually playful expression became serious. “I think you know exactly what I mean. I’m interested in an adult relationship, Katie. Every time I even hint about sex, you act like a Catholic schoolgirl. I mean, come on. You’re a grown woman. You have a kid so you’ve had sex at some point. We’ve been seeing each other for at least a couple of months, and I thought you were attracted to me. What’s the problem?” he asked, his voice laced with frustration. “I’m not exactly used to this response from women, you know?”

“Since when are you Mr. Commitment?” Katie laughed, trying to defuse the situation.

“I’m serious,” he said. “Don’t blow this off.”

“I’m not…” she began.

“Maybe this is a mistake. Maybe you just aren’t ready for another relationship,” Mark said.

        Katie was at a loss for words. He was right. She was attracted to him and yet she had stalled, postponed, changed the subject and dodged the issue more times than she could count. She didn’t have an answer other than she was scared to death. Things seemed to be moving so quickly.

        “I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” Katie stammered.

        “So where do we go from here?” Mark pressed.

        “Please, Mark, I’m just not comfortable having this conversation here,” Katie said. “Can’t we talk somewhere more private?”

        Mark leaned back in the booth and shook his head. “Whatever. You know what. Just forget I said anything. Let’s just eat and get out of here.”

        Katie hung her head, stung by his tone.  She wasn’t in love with Mark, but she didn’t want to lose his companionship either. He was the first man she had dated since David died, the first glimmer of hope that perhaps she wouldn’t spend the rest of her life alone. Maybe she was being ridiculous. Her heart raced as she tried to reason through her hesitation, but logical thought was being drowned in a tide of conflicting emotions. Maybe Mark was right. Maybe it was time to take their relationship to a more physical level. She gathered her courage and said, “You know what? I’ve got a better idea. Let’s have Stacie box up the pizza and take it back to your place.”

        Mark leaned forward and took her hand again. “Really?” he said eagerly.

        “Really,” she replied with a confidence she did not feel.

Chapter 4

It was nearly midnight when Katie pulled her SUV into the drive and parked it in front of the garage. Lucy had left the back porch light on for her, a detail that suffused her with guilt. Why hadn’t she just let Lucy stay the night with Kendra? At least she wouldn’t have come home to an empty house.

As she walked to the house, Katie felt as if a lead weight was resting in her chest.  What was wrong with her? Even though it hadn’t been her intent when she left home that evening, she had found that after the initial awkwardness the sex had been good, but as soon as left his bed, she had been overcome with the same overwhelming emptiness with which she had begun the day.

“What a wreck I am,” she thought.

She dropped her keys in the basket by the back door and made her way quietly through the house, turning off lights and checking doors. She wanted to sleep. Perhaps she could think things through more rationally in the morning. But as was often the case when she was troubled, she couldn’t relax and fall asleep.

Lying in bed, Katie thought about her romantic history. She had dated several boys in high school, including Kade, but unlike many of her friends, she had avoided having sex with any of them. Even though her parents had come of age during the sexual revolution, they were old-fashioned. They had taken her to church regularly and embraced Biblical views of sexuality. Mainly out of respect and partially out of fear of their disapproval, she had remained a virgin until college, until she met David.

David’s views on everything had been much more liberal than her own.  Raised in the city by upper-middle class parents who viewed church more as a social organization than a spiritual one, David was amused and challenged by her resistance to his advances. She smiled a little as she remembered the early days of their relationship. Barely older than her daughter was now, she had fallen madly in love with the handsome, popular boy who seemed so worldly and rebellious compared to her. How malleable she had been. She adopted David’s friends, listened to the music that David liked, even took up the hobbies he enjoyed, and was happy to do it as long as she could stay in the warm sunshine of his presence. He had proposed to her during the spring of her junior year, and they had married that summer. Two years later, they had returned to Lincoln, she to teach and he to work as an engineer for the state highway department.

Their lives had been like something out of a storybook until a bridge had collapsed in far away Minneapolis, prompting inspections all over the United States. David and his crew had been evaluating a narrow, rural bridge two counties to the west when a young driver had spilled a drink in her lap on her way home from school. According to the statement she gave police, she had only taken her eyes off the road for a second, but in that second Katie’s life had changed forever. The doctor said David had died on impact, that he had not suffered, but that knowledge had done little to stem the tide of despair that had overtaken her in the days and weeks that followed.

It had taken well over two years for her to even think about seeing another man socially, and it had take all Mark’s persistence and charm to convince her to go out with him the first time.  She hadn’t foreseen that their relationship would ever be more than casual, but tonight had forced her to look at their relationship in a new light.

“David’s gone, and I’m a grown woman. I’ve no reason to protect my virtue and wait for another Mr. Right. I had that, but it’s over. There’s nothing wrong with looking for some companionship. I deserve that much at least,” Katie thought angrily, pushing her memories aside.

But as she tossed and turned, the clock ticking into the early hours of the morning, a long forgotten voice in her head seemed to ask who she was trying to convince.

Chapter 5

        When the alarm went off at 5:30 the next morning, Katie jerked fully awake only to collapse back onto the bed as a wave of nausea washed over her.

        With eyes shut tight against the light, she reached blindly for the cell phone on the nightstand. She wished for her students’ ability to operate the phone without looking, but in its absence, opened her eyes a tiny slit in order to look up the number for her assistant principal and dial it. She explained as quietly as possible that she had a migraine and would not be in to work.  Every sound, every movement drove spikes of pain through her head. She needed her medicine from the bathroom medicine cabinet.

        She rolled out of bed, fighting the urge to vomit and edged her way along the wall of her room and down the short hall to the bathroom. She opened the door and fumbled among the bottles in the dark, feeling more than looking for the right one. Just as she found it, she lost her battle with nausea and threw up in the sink, dropping the pill bottle and clutching her temples against the shooting pains that each retch caused. When she was through, she turned on the water to rinse the sink. She scooped a little water into her mouth, rinsed, and turned off the tap. As she leaned weakly against the bathroom vanity, she heard Lucy call quietly from the living room, “Mom? Are you OK?”

        Lucy was familiar with her mother’s headaches. If she didn’t get a response she would come and check on her. Katie had been plagued by migraines since she was in junior high although they had gotten more frequent and more intense since David’s death. Her doctor blamed stress and her poor sleep patterns.

        “Let me help you back to bed,” Lucy said, wrapping Katie’s arm around her shoulder. “Close your eyes. I’ll lead you.”

        Gratefully, Katie allowed her daughter to lead her back to her room. Lucy drew the blinds, left and reappeared with a glass of lemon-lime soda and her mother’s medicine. “Here,” she said quietly, “try to get your meds down. I’ll go get a wash cloth.”

        Katie did as she was told, steeling herself against a new wave of nausea as she swallowed the pills. It would be all right, now. She would sleep and when she woke up again the headache would be gone, but she had to send lesson plans for her kids, just one more thing to do before she could lapse into oblivion.

        Lucy came back with the washcloth and sat gently on her mother’s bed.

“Do you need anything else?” she asked softly.

        “Lesson plans,” Katie whispered. “In my bag on the couch. Can you give them to Sadie? She will take care of it from there.”

        “Sure. No problem. You rest. I’ll eat dinner with Nan and Pop after the meet. You should feel better by tonight. I’ll come home and make you some tea and toast, okay?”

        “Sounds great,” Katie whispered and smiled weakly. “Luc, I’m sorry I wasn’t home last night…”

        “Just rest. We can talk about it later,” Lucy said, pulling the quilt up around her mother’s shoulders and brushing her cheek with her fingertips. “I love you.”

        Katie’s eyes were getting heavy. She could feel herself slipping into the drug-induced sleep that provided her only relief from the headache. Her heart ached with love for her daughter as she drifted off to sleep.

        When she awoke, she was still groggy from her medication, but she could hear her cell phone chirping intermittently to indicate a waiting text message. Cautiously, she opened one eye to test her sensitivity to the light. Nothing. Her alarm clock said 3:15. She opened the other eye and reached for the phone, which seemed to weigh ten pounds as she lifted it from the bedside table. She hated the after effects of the medication, but she hated the pain more. A quick look at her phone showed not one message but six. One from Sadie confirmed that Lucy had dropped off the lesson plan book and that Sadie had passed the instructions on to the sub.  Katie felt a rush of gratitude for her young friend. It was good to have someone she could rely on in an emergency. The second was from her older sister, Leigha. Evidently her mother, who had no idea how to text, had called about her headache, and Leigha was texting to make sure she was okay and to tell her that Lucy was eating at their parents. The other four were from Mark.

        Memories of the previous evening rushed into her consciousness. Now what. She opened the first. “Hey, babe. Just wanted to say thanks again for a great evening.” The second asked if she was all right. The third let her know that he had stopped by her room and found the substitute teacher and asked her to call him later. The fourth was a second request for a call.  Katie sighed and put the phone back on the nightstand. Later. She would reply later she thought as she slipped back into unconsciousness.

        The next time Katie awoke it was to the gentle weight of Lucy perching on the side of her bed. “Better?” she asked quietly.

        “Yeah, thanks,” Katie replied sleepily.  “How were Pop and Nan?”

        “Fine. Nan said for you to call her when you feel up to it. She fried me some chicken and sent a plate. You feel like eating?”

        “Sounds good, but I better hold off,” Katie said, squeamish at the very thought. “How about that tea and toast you promised me?”

        Lucy grinned. “Already started the water. You want it in here or do you feel like getting up?”

        “I think I’ll try sitting up for a while. You go ahead. I’ll be in there in a minute,” Katie said.

        Lucy nodded and headed off to the kitchen and Katie sat up slowly, testing for after effects of the headache. She was a little dizzy, but it quickly subsided. She reached for her robe, slipped it on, and made her way to the bathroom. After washing her face and running a brush through her hair, she felt well enough to make it to the family room where she curled up in her overstuffed gingham armchair and watched Lucy make her tea and toast through the wide doorway that connected the two rooms.

        “So how did you do today? Did you beat that girl from South County?” Katie asked.

        “Oh yeah!” Lucy said with a grin. “She can’t beat me here. Their course is flatter than ours. She did better than last time though. Took everything I had to stay ahead on the last hill. She always finishes so strong. I think that’s why she beats me on the flat courses.”

        “I’m sorry I missed it,” Katie said. “And I’m sorry you came home to an empty house last night, too. I…”

        “It’s OK, Mom,” Lucy said, interrupting the explanation. “I’m not a baby. I can put myself to bed at night.” She set the tea and toast on the table next to Katie’s chair, picked up her book bag from the floor where she had left it and sat down on the loveseat.

        “I know,” Katie replied quietly. “Thanks for taking care of me.”

        She sipped her tea, wrestling with what to say next. She still felt guilty, even though Lucy had dismissed her concerns. She watched her daughter, her brow furrowed as she concentrated on her homework, and tried to figure out what to say but came up empty and so turned her attention to the window beside her chair. The moon was full, painting the fields behind the house in cool blue light.

        “Luc, did you feed the horses?” Katie asked.

        “Mmmm…between the meet and supper,” Lucy replied, still concentrating on her physics book. “You might want to swing by Farm Supply and pick up some feed tomorrow if you’re feeling better. We’re getting kind of low.”

“Sure,” Katie replied absently. She sipped the steaming tea and nibbled at the toast as she gazed out the window. The stand of pines at the edge of the pasture stood in silhouette against the moonlit sky. She wished it were still summer so she could open the windows and listen to sound of the wind blowing softly through the treetops, carrying a hint of their fragrance into the house. Perhaps tomorrow she would take a walk and sit beside the creek for a while. The warm days were getting fewer and the fresh air might help clear her head.

Katie sat looking out the window for a little while longer, searching for a thread to start a conversation, but Lucy remained immersed in her books. Maybe tomorrow she would find a way to start a conversation that would clear the air.

“I think I’ll go back to bed. I’m still so tired. Do you have plans tomorrow?” Katie said, setting her empty cup on the table beside her chair.

        Lucy looked up from her homework. “ I’m eating lunch with Miss Georgia at eleven and Evan’s home from college so I think we’re going to go riding tomorrow afternoon if Uncle Wes doesn’t need him for anything. Is that OK? And I almost forgot, Nan said she wants everyone to come over for dinner Sunday afternoon. You’re supposed to call Aunt Lei for the details.”

        “Yeah, that’s fine. I’ll call her in the morning. G’night, Luc,” she said, kissing her daughter on top of the head.

        “Goodnight. You know, you’re welcome to come to lunch with us. Miss Georgia always asks about you,” Lucy said hesitantly.

        Katie paused. Miss Georgia Sadler was Lucy’s Senior Sister from church. The frail, white-haired woman had been the librarian at Lincoln High when Katie was in school. Back then she had been a no nonsense sort that believed that the library should be a haven of silence and study. Lunch with Miss Georgia would mean questions, lots of questions, and she really didn’t feel like being subjected to the third degree, no matter how much Lucy loved the older lady. She felt a momentary surge of irritation as she imagined the condemnation she would hear in Miss Georgia’s voice as she gave comment on Katie’s recent life choices. No, she wasn’t up to that. “I don’t think so, Luc,” Katie replied. “I need to run over to the school and see what kind of havoc they wreaked on my classroom today and call Leigha about Sunday. Rain check?”

        Lucy sighed. She had been trying to convince Katie to join the two of them for at least six months. “Fine,” she said. “I’ll talk to you in the morning” and she went back to her book.